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Rites of Passage: Preparing for College and the Empty Nest Part II

Dr. R. Fred Zuker is a featured monthly columnist in the Education section of The Jackson Sun

Rites of Passage Preparing for College and the Empty Nest Part II

When we asked college-bound high school to list the things that excited them and made them anxious about leaving home many reported that such things as freedom, independence, meeting new people, the challenge of college caused both excitement and anxiety. We also asked them to write what was the one thing they would like to tell their parents before the left for college. The responses indicated a deep desire to let parent know how much the students appreciated the sacrifices made for them and the love they felt for their parents even if they didn’t always express it.

We then asked the parents similar questions related to their feelings about the incipient departure of their senior for college. Their responses revealed some of the same concerns and also some that are unique to the role of parent of the soon-to-be college student.

We asked the parents to respond to these questions:

  • What are the best aspects of your child’s going away next year?
  • What do you fear will happen when your child goes away to college?
  • If I could let my child know one thing, it would be:

Parental responses to the first question often centered on the hope for the child to gain independence and experience the thrill of learning. Here are a few of the responses: I hope my child will spread her wings and experience life to the fullest. The house will be clean. She will grow up and become independent. Getting to know my wife again. Him maturing (I hope), Quiet at night, She will grow up – mature. That she will have the opportunity to reach her potential. Making and meeting new friends, She will get a fresh start. She’ll get to do something I never got to do. Knowing I have raised a smart, independent young woman.

Parental fears often reflected the same concerns as the students regarding loneliness and homesickness. Here are some of the “fear” responses from the parents: Her feeling lonely and homesick. Missing her. That she will not like it as much as she is looking forward to it. She’ll crawl into a shell and miss the special experiences. Possibly waste time needed to study. That she won’t let go of the high school romance and will not want to meet new people with similar interests. My daughter and I tease each other and I will miss that. Will not communicate with us. Falling into the wrong crowd. My house will be too quiet and I’ll be eating my meals ALONE. Won’t be able to share in her many experiences.

Love and pride are two of the themes often expressed by parents in the one thing they would let their child know. Here is a sample of those responses: She is loved and no matter what, Dad and I are always there and so is God. We love him and are sorry for whenever we may have let him down. She can be or do anything. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems and to trust her heart. I love her, am so proud of her and know she’ll be a wonderful teacher some day. That he could come to me with anything that comes up and not think he has to tackle the world alone. Change a tire, check the oil, charge his battery and know that he is a child of God. How much I love her and acknowledge her accomplishments. That I love her and count her as one of the most wonderful aspects of my life and am so proud of her that it is almost overwhelming.

Perhaps the greatest advantage of programs of this type for parents and students is the opportunity to articulate some of the fears, concerns, expectations and joys of this momentous time in the life of the family. The discussion almost always reveals that many share the feelings of anticipatory anxiety about failure, loneliness and separation. There is also the amazing reassurance that comes from the expressions of love, gratitude, acceptance and pride felt by both parents and students. We strongly recommend that the parents of all college-bound seniors take a moment to reflect on these questions with their son or daughter and then share the responses with one another. An ideal time to do this is at a family gathering, a meal, or other celebration of the student’s success.

The prospect of a child leaving home is bittersweet for all parties. Do not let the opportunity pass to say those things that lift up our hearts as we stand at a threshold. All the difficulties associated with this time of life for parents and students are subsumed in the collective pride of achievement and the anticipation of the unparalleled opportunities that lie ahead for the soon to be college student.

R. Fred Zuker, Ph.D.
President
Lambuth University

Lambuth University • 705 Lambuth Boulevard • Jackson, TN 38301 • 1-800-LAMBUTH • Dr. R. Fred Zuker, President
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