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Family Sub-Types: How the Family May Help or Hinder the Development of A Competent, Confident Child Part 2

Family Sub-Types:  How the Family May Help or Hinder the Development of A Competent, Confident Child

Part II

Part I of this series described certain traits that are exhibited by families as they cope with the unavoidable conflicts brought on by the stressors of everyday life.  Every family develops coping styles that are in part inherited from prior family experiences and adapted to fit the unique situation of the family including such factors as number and sex of children, financial conditions, health issues and many others.  Parents develop their parenting skills in this complex interaction of external and internal forces.  What follows are the descriptions of other styles of parenting behavior.  Another way of considering this view of the family is to think of the family’s personality.  The way the family as a social unit responds to the world in which it lives.

Over Committed:  Super Moms, soccer Moms and chauffeur Moms are often in this over committed category.  I recently spoke with parents who remarked that they were overwhelmed with the demands on their time when their daughter’s car was in the shop and they had to take her to all her various appointments and activities.  Parents and students are encouraged to avoid over scheduling to the point of exhaustion.  If the demands on the students are so burdensome that the joy of participation is lost in the need to be off to the next activity and the student becomes sullen and resentful of the lack of a “life” it is time to review the entire schedule and make some strategic reductions in commitments.  Conversations with the student about what is really important to them will help in choosing those activities to eliminate or reduce.  A question parents should always ask regarding activities is, “Am I encouraging my child to do this for her sake or mine?”

Scapegoating or Denying:  These parents tend to see any difficulties their student encounters at school or elsewhere to be the fault of someone else, teacher, administrator or other student.  Parents will attribute poor academic performance to undiagnosed learning difficulties, bad counseling, personality conflicts with teachers or coaches or other matters outside their control.  Lack of success in social settings or jobs will be attributed to mean-spirited peers, unyielding supervisors and others who simply don’t understand how special this child really is.  Of course there are many cases where there are conditions that may influence a student’s performance but once those have been eliminated it is unhealthy to continue to assume that the fault for poor performance lies at another’s door.  It is always helpful to be as balanced as possible when considering less than desirable behaviors on the part of the student.  Assigning blame to other parties teaches the student that they are not responsible for their behavior.  These patterns established early in life are difficult to remove later on.

Type-A:  Hard-driving, competitive, impatient, easily provoked to anger, over committed to work and loud, rapid speaking style, often characterize parents of this type family.  They may appear to struggle to achieve more in less time and view themselves in competition with everyone else.  They are over scheduled and often bothered by those whom they feel are less dedicated.  They may be insensitive and intolerant of others.  Students who live in this environment may become frustrated because nothing they do will fully satisfy their parent’s need for them to excel.  These students may rebel and adopt an attitude of disinterest that is designed to enrage the demanding Type A parent who will accept nothing less than perfection and maximum effort.

Uninvolved:  These parents are at the opposite end of the spectrum from most of the parents described by the other types.  These parents rely upon counselors, teachers, friends and extended family to help their students.  Other persons in the lives of students in this type environment are looked to for help in choosing academic programs, extracurricular activities and personal choices.  Parents who are experiencing personal trauma such as separation, divorce, financial setbacks or illness may fall into this category not be choice but by necessity.  Students in this environment may become despondent and lose interest in academics and extra-curricular activities because they feel no one cares if they succeed or not.  Peers will take on much greater influence in the absence of care-giving adults.  Caring persons in the lives of students living in the uninvolved-type family will help them overcome feelings of loss and indifference.

These family types are described in order to help parents avoid putting their students in difficult situations resulting from the family’s manner of interaction.  Parents are reminded to keep the following issues in mind when evaluating the family personality and how it affects the development of the children:

  • Is this family operating in the best interest of the children?
  • How does our parenting style affect the lives of our children?
  • Do we as parents harm our children by not attending to their needs and putting our own validation needs first?
  • Can we be objective about our families coping style or do we need someone from outside to help us gain a more accurate reading of our ability to cope effectively with life’s ups and downs?
  • Are there issues in our lives that are causing us to react to the world in ways that are counter-productive to teaching our children positive coping skills?

If the family coping style results in continuous conflict and frustration it may be time to seek professional counseling.  Relatively few families come to that point but virtually all families will encounter issues with their styles at times of stress such as a student beginning a new level of schooling are a new member joining the family.  Recognizing these times of stress and adjusting accordingly will give everyone a sense that the family exists to support and nurture one another.  When parents are able to adapt their coping styles and keep the children’s well being foremost in mind the family will be that positive life-shaping force that we all need in our lives.

R. Fred Zuker, Ph.D.

Lambuth University

zuker@lambuth.edu

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