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Stress in the Holiday Nest: College and High School Students At Home for the Holidays

Dr. R. Fred Zuker is a featured monthly columnist in the Education section of The Jackson Sun

Stress in the Holiday Nest: College and High School Students At Home for the Holidays

There’s no place like home for the holidays is the refrain of one of our most beloved holiday songs. For the parents of older teens the stress of dealing with the demands of this age group to enjoy the activities of the season may make the holiday home a place of conflict and tension.

For one group of teens, the new college student returning home for the first time, this is an especially trying time. The new college student has been an independent agent for many months without the oversight of parental monitoring. Many parents will insist that the returning college student comply with the house rules again just as they did while still in high school. This perceived regression to days of high school and acquiescence to parental demands will be unwelcome by most college students. They will feel that their status as adult and responsible, independent persons is compromised by the insistence of parents that they follow the old rules.

High school students present a different set of circumstances but the essential element is the same. High school juniors and seniors are mobile. They drive their vehicles and make plans with their friends as if they are adults. This is especially true with the high level of holiday-related activities while the students are on vacation. When parents insist on curfews and restrict activities the older teens are resentful and invoke their approaching legal majority status. Parents usually respond with the ancient adage. “As long as you live under my roof you obey my rules.” This type of exchange often results in frustration and conflict and the dreaded “whatever.”

Parents of new college students may find that the student returning is less interested in spending time with the family and more interested in reconnecting with the crew from high school. This may be a sad realization for many parents. One father once told me that he was devastated when he realized that his beloved college freshman daughter wasn’t really returning home to see him but rushed out immediately to see her boyfriend. These behaviors don’t mean the students love us less. It simply means that they have other priorities ahead of wiling away the hours with parents around the house.

The three “Cs” Communication, Compromise and Compassion, of dealing with students in this situation will help parents maintain the happy home for the holidays and avoid the Cs of Conflict and Confrontation.

Communication: Parents of older teens, especially those returning home from college should discuss the house rules and make sure all parties understand what they are. The students should be given the opportunity to make their case for increased freedom. Parents should be able to explain their concerns about too little control, especially when the holidays mean extra time at parties where drinking and other forms of potentially troublesome behavior are more likely to be prevalent.

Compromise: The returning college student should not be expected to revert to the old rules that prevailed while they were in high school. Parents are correct to remind college-age teens that even though the old rules are going to be modified it is reasonable to expect considerations such as maintaining communication about whereabouts and expected time of return home. These same rules apply to the older teen in high school. Parents who are secure enough in the maturity of their students to give them more leeway during the holidays should expect in return that the students would not abuse the relaxed rules and follow them closely. This way both parties benefit and are treated with respect.

Compassion: Returning college students will be hard pressed in many cases to reestablish themselves in the family environment. They have been independent for many months and may find it difficult to easily return to the old style. They may be disconcerted to find that home has remained largely unchanged while they are different as a result of their college experiences and have become, to some extent, strangers in their own homes. The high school teens are desperate to try their wings and be seen as adults with the prerogatives of adulthood. They are also a little fearful of having too much freedom. Parents who are able to balance the granting of freedom with the safety net of modified requirements will find that students will most often rise to the occasion and actually appreciate the consideration provided by the parents.

Parents who have the confidence to implement such a flexible and measured response to the onslaught of demands from their older teens will have the benefit of a harmonious home for the holidays. The holidays are a stressful time for all involved. But without the conflict often brought on by these issues all parties will be able to feel the spirit of the season and enjoy fully some of the most beautiful moments in the lives of every family.

Fred Zuker
President
Lambuth University

Lambuth University • 705 Lambuth Boulevard • Jackson, TN 38301 • 1-800-LAMBUTH • Dr. R. Fred Zuker, President
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