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Rearing Responsible Teens: Permissiveness and Parental Capital

Dr. R. Fred Zuker is a featured monthly columnist in the Education section of The Jackson Sun

Rearing Responsible Teens: Permissiveness and Parental Capital

Seniors in high school will challenge authority. In fact, it is almost required that they push the limits of their freedom. Many parents are discomfited by this rebelliousness. When asked by parents why they think they should be able to do something that the parents consider ill advised or outright dangerous the pushy teen may say, “Because I’m a senior.” The most often heard response from parents is, “As long as you live under this roof you obey my rules.” This comment is listed prominently in that book of parental phrases that your parents used and you vowed you never would.

The reality of living with a high school senior is that they must press for more freedom because in a short time they will be free agents, on their own, in college or employed and living away from home. If we, as parents, do not allow them the opportunity to develop good decision-making skills how can we expect them to be suddenly enlightened when the restraints of parental oversight are absent?

The delicate balance of giving teenagers enough freedom to learn responsibility and controlling their tendency toward lack of impulse control calls upon our astute use of what I call parental capital. This concept relates to our ability to understand the personal situation of our teens. Their inner disposition is often mysterious to adults in general and parents in particular. If we make decisions about our teen’s lives that indicate we understand the importance for them of doing something that will gain them acceptance in the eyes of their peers then our capital goes up. If we make a decision that indicates we are totally out of touch with their reality, even though the decision may make practical sense, our parental capital may plummet.

An example of the use of parental capital and responsible decision-making is the use of the curfew. As teens mature they will press for more freedom. An area that is often especially onerous is the curfew. Parents who are strict about the enforcement of the curfew despite entreaties from the teen that they are able to handle more freedom may find the teen resentful and frustrated. Parents who relax the curfew for special occasions and demand that the teen stay in touch under the negotiated rules will find that the teen responds with appreciation for the confidence the parents have placed in their ability to hold up their end of the bargain.

Knowing when to hold the line on decisions about a teen’s activities and when to give a little leeway is part of the art of parenting. There may be times when no negotiations are possible because of the possible danger of a desired activity. That may cause a steep drop in parental capital but it is worth it to protect the teen from possible harm. Burning large amounts of capital on such issues as curfew, cleanliness of the room or taking out the trash is unnecessary and makes it more difficult to make those hard decisions when the stakes are much higher.

Some things to remember about permissiveness and responsibility:

  • Give teens the chance to develop good judgment by allowing them freedom to make decisions in non-threatening situations.
  • Negotiating such issues as curfew and activities gives the teen a sense of empowerment but retains some parental control. Lack of flexibility will create teens that are frustrated and devious.
  • Evaluate each situation objectively when these decisions arise. By giving a little your teen will learn much about decision-making in real life.

Parents who practice the delicate art of balancing permission and responsibility by being flexible will help their teens develop an internal compass that will assist them when they are away from parental oversight. This takes patience and attention to the details of your teen’s life but will give you confidence in your teen’s judgment and may give you a little more parental capital to use when you really need it.

February 17, 2006
R. Fred Zuker, Ph.D.
Lambuth University
zuker@lambuth.edu

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