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How to Avoid "Whatever": Communicating with Your Teenager

Dr. R. Fred Zuker is a featured monthly columnist in the Education section of The Jackson Sun

How to Avoid “Whatever”: Communicating with Your Teenager

In my presentations to the parents of teens I often discuss the use by teens of the word “Whatever.” When teens use this word with parents it is usually spoken in exasperation or anger and indicates the conversation is over. In order for parents to avoid this dialogic dead-end there is a need to understand the communication styles of teens. Parents who are mindful of this are much more likely to remain in touch with their teens even through the most challenging situations.

When children are young, until approximately the age of seven or eight, it may be sufficient for parents to use the ancient parental rejoinder, “because I’m the Daddy or Mommy” and that will be sufficient to answer the question “why?” Beyond that age, especially in the “tween” and teen years a different standard of communicative coinage comes into play.

Parents of teenagers will be met with any number of communication roadblocks, avoidance, interference, disdain, eye rolling, sullen acquiescence and outright defiance. Teens learn to resist communicating with parents if the tone of the conversation is usually confrontational and prescriptive. Parents who only communicate with their teens when there is a problem find themselves becoming part of the avoidance syndrome. The teen will reluctantly navigate the “dressing down” or other forms of verbal attack and escape as soon as they see an opening. These encounters are not perceived as useful in any way by the teen and often end with the dreaded “whatever.”

Avoiding these conversational roadblocks requires parents to build and maintain a communication bridge with their teens. I often pose this question to parents, “Do you see yourself as a talkable parent?” In other words, are your children comfortable talking with you? Or, do they see encounters with you as punitive, invasive and unpleasant? If you are a talkable parent your teens will come to you easily for conversation and even when there are problems. If you are a non-talkable parent they will avoid you for fear of disapproval and conflict.

Talkable parents don’t push their teens too hard to be communicative. They are not condescending, patronizing and they do not overreact to things they hear from their teens. Teens are constantly monitoring the response of parents to what they say. If the reaction is extreme the teen may feel unable to risk further revelations. Talkable parents allow their teens to be independent. The teens are given space but are invited to engage in conversation without fear of lectures and judgmental responses.

Talkable parents do not try to talk like or look like their teens. This only embarrasses already hypersensitive teens. It is highly desirable for parents to be cool but not go overboard. Talkable parents do treat their teens like adults but recognize that they are not able to always function as adults and need parental direction and oversight. Talkable parents are able to relate to the feelings behind the words of the teen and may reflect how they would feel in a similar situation. This reflection of feelings will help the often confused teen make sense of the conflict they often experience.

Here are a few teenage/parent communication tips:

  • Find topics of discussion that are meaningful and interesting to the teen; progress in studies, activities, peers, political issues, community issues and so on.
  • Encourage discussion of issues that might be challenging for the student before they become problems. Such issues as relationships, conflict with peers or authority figures.
  • Value their point of view especially if there are problems. Many parents are dismissive of the teen’s perspective and assume they are in the wrong. Issues always have at least two sides and teens need to be heard before they are blamed.
  • Listen before you speak to your teen. If the communication is always direct and categorical allowing no room for the teen to speak there is little hope for a dialog that will be positive and help resolve a problem.
  • Parents will always be challenged to understand the language and communication style of the teenage world. Those who try by listening and valuing their teen’s right to be heard and valued will avoid the frustration of repeated helpings of whatever.

R. Fred Zuker, Ph.D.
President
Lambuth University
Jackson, Tennessee

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